Friday, May 20, 2011

open doors would soon be shut


I'm sitting here on my couch, in a pair of sweatpants, watching The X-Files on Netflix. It's the middle of the afternoon on Friday. I should be a work.

But I'm not.

This morning, I was called into my boss's office and told that my "position had been eliminated." Just like that. Pack your things. You're done. Leave.

I'm stunned. In some ways, this is completely out of the blue. On the other hand, I guess I saw it coming. The corporate big-wigs have been cleaning house at my office for awhile, but I guess I was just naive enough to think that it wouldn't happen to me.

Honestly, I'm feeling a little lost. I've never been unemployed. I've been fortunate enough to work consistently since I was 15. I'm a workaholic. I put in way too many hours. I give 110%. I go in on weekends. I never say "no." It's what I do.

I'm trying very hard to be positive. Despite my love for the job, it has been a difficult month there, to say the least. Changes in management, turn-over like crazy, hectic days, and long hours have left me more than frazzled. I'm trying to look at this as a fresh start, a new opportunity, a chance to begin again.

But it's hard. I'm ashamed. I'm embarassed. Although I was essentially given the "it's not you, it's us" line, I still feel like a failure. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, that I'm not good enough. Feelings of inadequacy that I thought I had finally left behind have begun to creep their way back in. Feelings I have struggled with for years and thought I had finally kicked.

But I'm not going to let this bring me down. I'm not. I'm not a sit-in-my sweatpants-in-the-middle-of-the-day kind of person. (At least as a general rule.) I've applied for a few jobs and I think I'll take a jog in a bit. Kyle and I are going to keep our previous plans of seeing friends in a play tonight. I'm not going to mope, I'm not going to hide. I will find another job. I will be happy. I will succeed. Failure is not an option.

I'm always longing for adventure. Maybe this is it. 

In the meantime, I think I'll see if the FBI is currently hiring. I'm not cut out to carry a gun, but I do have an encyclopedic knowledge of the X-Files. I think this could work.

Thanks for listening. Happy Friday, friends.


  1. stay positive!!!! something amazing WILL come along!

  2. He g-gad. Being unemployed sucks. I know exactly how you feel when you say you're lost. It's like you've been sprinting and sprinting and then you finally stop and look around, realizing you have no idea where you are.

    Not having a job is a major letdown because unfortunately this society defines us by what we do for a living. I struggled with this a lot after I graduated. All I can say is, find little things every day that make you happy to be you. Maybe the way the sun warms your face when you step outside, how awesome it is that you found someone like Kyle, or just knowing that you have so many people that care about you.

    It also doesn't hurt to stay busy and find a hobby or return to something you've put off for years.

    I think it comes down to having the attitude that everything will be okay. This too shall pass. Take a deep breath and keeping walking tall.

    -Alexa Hansen

  3. Oh no!! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like your outlook is really good, but make sure to take time and recover from how you're feeling. It's good to stay positive but don't ignore your other feelings!

    You'll find something amazing soon, I know it. In the mean time, pout on the couch for a few minutes and wake up tomorrow to a better day. (Unless you believe in the rapture. In which case there may be no tomorrow.)