On Anxiety, Chia Pets, and Entering the Last Year of My Twenties

Last year on my birthday, I was not in a great place. The fall season had been difficult for a variety of reasons and I'd found myself in a pit of despair and self-pity, partnered with anxiety and depression. In looking back over some old drafts this week, I discovered an unpublished post that I'd written during this time and was shocked by the stark differences between then and now:

It's nearly midnight on the day of my birthday and I'm feeling very sorry for myself.

That is quite possibly the most pathetic sentence I have ever typed.

It is not so much that I am upset about getting older or my metabolism slowing down or the wrinkles that are ever so slowly making an appearance on my forehead. (Although those things are certainly a cause for concern.) It is more the fact that right now, at this moment, I'm feeling tired and overwhelmed and really quite sad. I'm cracking under the pressure and I don't know how I'm going to go on.

That certainly paints a bleak picture. 

..........

When I was a senior in high school, my friends and I skipped school and took the South Shore train to Chicago for a day of shopping and cheesecake. While we were riding the train back home,  I made everyone tell me a list of small (somewhat silly) goals they wanted to accomplish before they turned 30. Last year, while going through old papers, I found this list:

1) Learn to tango.

2) Read the Anne of Green Gables series. 

3) Ride in a limo. 

4) Learn to snowboard.

5) Own a Chia Pet. 

Thirty seemed so far away at 18. 

Last year, Kyle bought me a Chia Pet for my birthday. It's one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received, but at a time when anxiety was controlling my life, it also seemed like one of the most loaded. The pressure I felt was tangible, a rock sitting heavily on my chest. It was just a simple Chia Pet, but to my anxiety-laden brain, it was a representation of all the things I had never accomplished, never would, and my inevitable mortality. (Pretty intense, huh?) The idea of taking on this HUGE responsibility of owning a Chia Pet just seemed like too much to handle.

It's crazy what anxiety will make you believe. 

Like so many of the things in my life that I wouldn't (or couldn't) deal with, I put this Chia Pet in a box. I hid it away; out of sight, out of mind. 

..........

I'm so grateful that this has been a year of self-care. While many wonderful things have happened, in so many ways the future appears scary and uncertain. But as I enter the final year of my twenties, I have to cling to the good.

In looking  back over my list, I realized something. While I haven't accomplished anything 18-year-old Molly had wanted to do, I still have plenty of time to do so. And just because I haven't accomplished anything on that list, doesn't mean that I haven't done some pretty amazing things that 18-year-old Molly never would have dreamed possible. 

So now, as I sit here writing this with exactly 10 months left in my twenties, it's time get that Chia Pet out of its box, spread the seeds, and wait for it to grow. 

I vow to spend these next 10 months doing the same. 

#mittenhiking

Aman Park//May 2016

One of my biggest goals for 2016 was to get outside more. I've always loved nature and being outdoors, so spending two years in grad school hunched over a computer screen in every spare moment just wasn't doing it for me. My friends promised me that when I was done with school, they would go hiking with me. And because they're awesome, they've made good on that promise. 

Enter #mittenhiking. (Almost) every Saturday since March, a group of us have hiked trails all over West Michigan. We've walked along lake shores, through narrow wooded trails, and glanced through the trees in urban parks to see the skyline of our city. As of this writing, we've hiked 100 miles this year. I'm so proud of this accomplishment and so grateful to have friends who are eager to get up early on Saturday morning just to go play outside.

If you're on Instagram, check out our #mittenhiking hashtag to see the beauty of our state throughout the seasons and a few pictures of the amazing people who make it happen every weekend. This past year, nature has really become my refuge and I think many of my friends would say the same. All this fresh air has really gone to my head. 

Provin Trails//April 2016

Riverside Park//July 2016

Luton Park, July 2016

Prairie Wolf Park//Oct 2016

Prairie Wolf Park//Oct 2016

Millennium Park//Nov 2016

Yankee Springs Recreation Area (Devil's Soup Bowls)//Nov 2016

Yankee Springs Recreation Area (Hall Lake)//Nov 2016

Wahlfield Park//Sept 2016

Ain't Afraid of No Goats

I've been waiting my entire life for this and now that it is finally here, it all seems so surreal. The Chicago Cubs are going to the World Series. My heart may explode. I'm speechless. 

GO CUBS GO! 

Summer Favorites

I have been struggling for the past few months or so to find the words to express my hurt and sadness for all that is currently going on in the world. My boots have been very heavy from all the hatred and divisiveness. I am still without words, but these are the things that brought a smile to my face over the summer, and I hope that maybe they will bring a smile to yours as well. 

"Brother Said" by The Rough & Tumble

Kyle and I saw this band play on the patio at Stormcloud Brewing in Frankfort, MI this summer. They have a delightful, folky sound and this song in particular speaks to me. 

"The World (Is Going Up in Flames)" by Charles Bradley

A friend introduced me to this singer earlier this year and I fell in love. His soulful voice and music speaks to years of struggle, yet never losing hope. 

The Gentle Barn

The Gentle Barn is an organization that rescues and cares for farm animals. Their Instagram gives daily doses of adorable animals bringing joy to others. It always brightens my day to see pictures of Dudley the cow, Lillie the pig, and many, many more.

Bucky F*cking Dent by David Duchovny

This book is one of my favorite things that I've read this year. (Although, I highly recommend checking out the audiobook.) I'll admit, I picked this book up because of the author, but I quickly fell in love with the gruff-but-lovable characters and lyrical writing. I firmly believe that few things can bring people together like baseball.

And finally, this.

Have a wonderful week, friends.

Mission: Summer Syllabus

Ashlie over at the wonderful blog, Be Your Own Lady  encouraged her readers to create a summer syllabus for themselves; including things that we want to read, watch, or do over the summer. This is the first summer in two years that I feel like I'll finally have a bit of time to actually enjoy the season. As a librarian, summer is typically our busiest time of year but I'm looking forward to squeezing in some fun where I can. :)

Here are the books I'd like to read this summer, in between trips to the beach, hikes, and work. I'm going to try to not stress too much if I don't get everything read, but this seems like a good place to start. Thank goodness for audiobooks! 

Book Club Books:
The Last of the Breed by Louis L'Amour (library)
Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed (library)
You Don't Have to Like Me: Essays on Growing Up, Speaking Out, and Finding Feminism by Alida Nugent (#beyourownbookclub)

Graphic Novels:
Scott Pilgrim series by Bryan Lee O'Malley (finish)
Locke & Key series by Joe Hill & Gabriel Rodriguez (finish)
Lumberjanes series by Noelle Stevenson (finish)

Non-Fiction:
Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari
No Baggage: A Minimalist Tale of Love and Wandering by Clara Benson
Stir: My Broken Brain and Meals That Brought Me Home by Jessica Fechtor

YA:
Burn Baby Burn by Meg Medina
I am Princess X by Cherie Priest 
Library of Souls by Ransom Riggs

Re-Reads/Childhood Favorites:
Time Windows by Kathryn Reiss
The Other Shepards by Adele Griffin
The Doll in the Garden by Mary Downing Hahn 

Great Michigan Read Nominating Committee:
Eden Springs by Laura Kasischke
Bootstrapper: From Broke to Badass on a Northern Michigan Farm by Mardi Link
The Turner House by Angela Flournoy 

Other Fiction:
Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout
What Is Not Yours Is Not Yours by Helen Oyeyemi
The Haunting of Maddy Clare by Simone St. James

NYC Redux

Last month, Kyle and I headed out to New York City to see A Streetcar Named Desire at St. Ann's Warehouse Theater in Brooklyn. It was a whirlwind, but I absolutely loved every second of it. Queen of Everything Gillian Anderson performed the role of Blanche DuBois and was simply amazing. The whole production left me breathless. 

We stayed with Kyle's cousin and his wife in Brooklyn and were so grateful for their hospitality and patience with us as we figured out how to navigate the subway system. Plus, they knew the best restaurants and coffee shops, so major bonus there. 

We did a lot of waking and took a lot of pictures. I cannot wait to go back. 

2015 Redux: Or, How to Start Blogging Again After a 2 Year Hiatus

Lilacs on Paris//May 2016

2015 was a doozy.

I've sat down to write this post a few times in the past few months and have never gotten beyond staring at the blank screen. There were so many words and feelings and thoughts and emotions that I wasn't ready to confront or were too difficult to wrangle into cohesive thoughts. I haven't written much beyond academic papers and emails in the past two years and honestly, it's also been difficult to get back into that habit. 

In many ways, 2015 was a wonderful and exciting year: I wrapped up my MLIS degree and finally graduated in December. In July, I became the director of the small library where I had been interning. I left my beloved cafe job. I traveled by myself for the first time to see my best friend in Texas. The Cubs made the playoffs. 2015 was a crazy, haphazard whirlwind that I can still barely believe actually happened. I felt disconnected from so much of it, like it was someone else living that life. I disconnected myself from what felt like everything and everyone because I just wanted to put my head down and push through. 

For all of 2015 I told myself, "If I can just make it through December, I'll be ok. Just survive until finals and graduation, and you'll be fine." So that's what I did. I pushed through, I survived, but just barely. I pushed every single emotion into a small, dark box in my mind and said, "I'll deal with it in January. In January, everything will be ok again." I told myself this every day, over and over for a year, so you can imagine my surprise when January 1, 2016 dawned, and I still felt the same as I had the days and months and year before. 

It's been frustrating to not just automatically be "ok." Logically, I realize how ridiculous that sounds. Last year, I just survived. I didn't realize how much work it would be to return to the land of the living. 

So what it comes down to is that I've begun to slowly unpack that box of feelings that I pushed away for so long. It's exhausting, but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm starting to relearn how to cope with my anxiety. It's not an easy road, but I'm getting there. I'm able to go to the movies again without panicking. I can run again without feeling guilty. I'm easing my way back into reading for pleasure without my mind racing. In the days ahead, in these moments of clarity, I'm working on practicing gratitude. I'm working on relearning how to focus. I'm working on being open and feeling things and being intentionally in the moment and practicing self-compassion. In these moments of clarity, I'm remembering how to breathe. 

Unfortunately, while boxing up the difficult feelings, I also boxed up the good ones too. I was stressed and upset on my graduation day. When I submitted my last final, I felt nothing but dread. Landing the director position filled me with more apprehension than joy. I had been trying so hard to keep out the bad that I forgot to let in the good. 

Throughout all of this, throughout this long and winding journey, I was supported and loved by some of the most truly wonderful people on this planet. People who gave me the space I needed but always made their support and presence known. They sent me pictures of cute dogs and mountains, cooked me dinner and bought me drinks, let me lay on their couches and cry. For this, I will be more grateful than I can ever express.  

Shortly after I graduated, I went out to my favorite Mexican restaurant to celebrate with these wonderful friends who stuck by me through thick and thin. They gifted me with some of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received: a "welcome back to the world" kit; a book of hiking trails; librarian gear; an autographed Springsteen magazine; even my own personalized X-File. I was (and continue to be) overwhelmed by the kindness of my chosen family. I placed these items in a box, a sort of time capsule, unable to deal with the feelings and emotions that these beautiful gestures stirred. Along with the proverbial boxes that need to be unpacked, there are actual ones as well. And it's a pleasant reminder that some of them, probably more of them than I realize, contain light rather than darkness. 

I'm so, so grateful to finally be living rather than simply surviving and that the sun is shining once again. I'm so, so grateful to have all of you at my side. My heart is full. 

XOXO,
Molly