Peaks & Valleys

Sitka, AK
//Jul2013

I'll be honest: it's been a rough few weeks. Grad school stress, hormones, and a dash of seasonal (PUNS!) depression  have combined forces to make me a sad, messy mess as of late. And it sucks. 

I've finally come to accept that my battle with depression, anxiety, and panic will be ongoing. There will be peaks, and there will be valleys. I'm learning to cope with this, even thrive despite it. But the fight is still difficult. For too long, mental illness has been so stigmatized. I want to be open about this struggle, because I know that I'm not alone. 

I've learned how to detect my personal symptoms of depression: withdrawing from loved ones, exhaustion, excessive dwelling on negative feelings, not wanting to get out of bed, feeling gray. I can identify the symptoms. Finding the strength to get out of bed and cope in a healthy way, rather than just crawling under the covers and eating another bowl of cereal, is another matter. 

I'm making every effort at healthy means of self-care. Often, I equate "self-care" with "shutting off my brain." This means that I often look at watching hours of Netflix and eating graham crackers with frosting as taking care of myself. (Spoiler alert: It's not.) Today after work, I forced myself to not just go home and crawl into bed. I went to the gym and ran a few miles. I practiced my violin in preparation for an event I'm playing in later this week. I read a few pages of my book. And for the first time in a couple of weeks, I felt better. Not 100%, but better. 

Though this winter feels endless, life feels overwhelming, and there are days where I just want to flee to the mountains, deep down I know there is hope. Though I may currently find myself in a proverbial valley, it's a valley filled with love and light, despite the clouds. I know the light will shine brighter once again. So until then, I will continue remind myself there are mountains on my horizon. 

My Mind Drifts Like the Snow

Lake Michigan, supposedly.
Feb2014

My favorite line from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, wasn't spoken but rather shown as written words onscreen. Walter writes in his journal, "my mind drifts like the snow." Those words so perfectly encapsulate the feelings of this season, both literally and figuratively. 

Some mornings I awake feeling as though I could conquer the world. I'm productive, check things off of my neverending to-do list, and I feel hopeful for what life holds. Other mornings, I wish that I could just hibernate with bottomless mugs of coffee and mountains of books. Sometimes, I just wish that I had a river to skate away on. (Thanks, Joni.)

Somehow, all of the things that make up my life get done: work, school, orchestra and quartet rehearsals, runs, meetings, maintaining relationships, the various minutia that is making dirty laundry clean and empty refrigerators full. If I think too deeply about all that needs to be accomplished, I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, it's best not to dwell and to just keep moving. Always moving. 

Some days I just feel homesick, missing something that I can't quite identify. Longing for sunshine filtering through tree leaves and fields of weeds and wildflowers and creaky floorboards and waves and sun tea. Sometimes the tears fall without reason or prompt, and sometimes it hurts to breathe.  

Today, I'm feeling nostalgic for the past and daydreaming about the future while still trying to keep myself firmly grounded in the present. But still, my mind drifts like the snow. 

Happy Birthday, Mom!

(source)

For conspiring with me in my many harebrained schemes, instilling in me a love of conspiracy theories and Gilligan's Island, and for giving me the confidence to follow my passions, I am forever grateful. When I was 14 you told me, "Drop everything and do what's important to you." Although it's a lesson that's taken me over a decade to learn (a lesson that I'm learning still), those words continue to resonate along with your strength that I carry with me always.

Today and always, Mom, do what's important to you. Because you deserve it. 

Love, Baby Girl

January Favorites

Polar vortex-ing on Paris.
Jan14

Here's what I'm loving this month!

1) The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

I am obsessed with everything about this movie. It's beautifully filmed, has an emotionally engaging and exciting story, and its soundtrack makes even doing homework feel like an adventure. If it's still in a theatre near you, I highly recommend checking it out. (Although be warned that it's not the Zoolander sequel you've been wanting since you were 13. Just me?) If you can't catch the movie, check out the soundtrack on Spotify. (The song "Dirty Paws" is my favorite.) You won't be disappointed. Seriously. 

2) Where'd You Go Bernadette?

I've been doing pretty well thus far balancing pleasure reading with my grad school responsibilities. (I'm enjoying it while it lasts.) Where'd You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple is one of the best books I've read in months. Bernadette Fox, an eccentric-genius-architect disappears seemingly without a trace, and her 15-year-old daughter Bee takes it upon herself to piece together her mother's correspondences to find her. Lighthearted and witty, Bernadette is an absolutely wonderful and enjoyable read. (And this quote sums up my feelings exactly: "I miss it, the mountains and the water." Indeed.)

3) Clothing Swaps and Game Nights.

Every few months or so each of these things happen within my group of friends. And both are awesome. Clothing Swaps involve cleaning out your closets and getting to wear your friends' stylish hand-me-downs. And mimosas. Game Nights involve board games and dark humor. And mimosas. Win!

4) Plaid, plaid, and more plaid.

With the chilly temperatures and my tendency to assimilate into my hipster surroundings, plaid is the only thing I want to wear. And it's becoming a real problem. I need a plaid-tervention. 

5) Frasier

And of course this list wouldn't be complete without an outdated pop culture reference. The pretentious snark that is the Crane brothers never fails to make me laugh out loud and make me want to drink sherry. (What the hell is sherry, for that matter?) Thank goodness for Netflix its ability to provide a little comfort food TV on these blustery winter nights. 

Stay warm out there, friends!

Assignments Gone Wrong

This week, I had to record a video introducing myself to my Information Technology class. I spent Friday night recording practice runs. I think it's safe to call this particular run an outtake:

At least we know how to keep things interesting?

Happy weekending, friends.

Recent Developments

1) I love orange juice.

There are very few things in life that I just won't eat or drink. I'm very open and will try just about anything. But I hate orange juice. Until about a month ago. Now, I can't get enough. Perhaps with these frigid temps and nasty viruses flying around, my body is just desperate for vitamin C. Or maybe I'm just hooked on mimosas. Either way, bring on the OJ!

2) I have a new face. 

At least, it certainly feels that way. In the past two months, I've gotten both glasses and bangs, and have started experimenting with wearing bold lip colors. It's funny; when I look in the mirror I feel like the reflection is finally capturing who I see on the inside. I feel like I've been reinvented. 

3) I love my job.

Yes, seriously. Working in this small cafe has given me the daily autonomy and variety that I've so desperately craved. I love chatting with our regulars, recommending drinks, and choosing the daily specials. I'm content and comfortable in my position, and for the first time in far too long I don't dread going to work. Dare I say, I even enjoy it? 

4) I don't hate winter.

I never thought I would say this, but here we are! While gray skies and icy roads still cause stress, I'm actually enjoying this season of bundling and being cozy. I don't even mind the snow! (Although that Polar Vortex was no joke!) Perhaps I'm just subconsciously preparing myself for an imaginary move to Alaska.

5) I'm going to see Lily Tomlin perform in GR in March!
I've had a thing for Lily Tomlin since her voice graced my ears as Ms. Frizzle on The Magic School Bus. As I grew older, I came to admire her comedic genius through Laugh-In clips, her stint on Murphy Brown, and her amazing role in 9 to 5. (And you guys, I could wax poetic for hours about my love for 9 to 5.) You could say that Lily Tomlin is my comedic idol and I'm beyond thrilled for the chance to see her perform at LaughFest!

FUN FACT: Lily Tomlin studied theatre at Wayne State University in Detroit, where I'm currently pursuing my graduate degree (albeit online). This pretty much means that we're best friends, right? RIGHT?!?!

(source)

So catch me up. What are you up to?

Embracing Apprehension

Staged reenactment of a nervous breakdown. 

Today is my first day of grad school and I'm terrified. 

I'm afraid of the unknown. Of failing. Of hating it. I'm afraid of being a terrible student. I'm afraid of the little voice that says, "Are you really sure this is what you should be doing?" 

Last week, I'd had a stressful day. I didn't feel well and the post-holiday, pre-grad school blues were just getting me down. I went to Target armed with a gift card, prepped for a little retail therapy. 

But it just didn't cut it. (Surprise, surprise.)

I left empty handed, still anxious, still with a tightness in my chest. But with a clear idea of where I needed to be. And so I escaped to the place that has always brought comfort: the library. After wandering the labyrinthine shelves and choosing a few precious books to take home, I found that I was breathing easier.  I also found a peace in my heart.

Despite the apprehension and nervousness, it's moments like these that confirm that I'm pursuing my passion. 

And if it turns out that grad school isn't for me? That's ok. Dreams change, but passions are steadfast. If I've learned anything in the past year, it's to follow your heart and to pursue what makes it beat quickly with excitement, in any way possible. 

So, I'm taking these feelings of apprehension and turning them into anticipation. I'm giving myself permission to take this semester, this year, this entire program one day at a time. I'm allowing myself to be open to possibilities, whatever they may be. I'm on this path for a reason, and I'm going to embrace it with joy and pursue it with hope.

On a side note, it is my intent to continue blogging while I'm in school. However, if life gets hectic and this little space gets quiet, I'd love to connect with you via Twitter and Instagram.


Have a good week, friends. Stay warm out there!