A Day in the Life of the Funemployed

6:45 a.m.: Hit snooze. Because duh.

7:35 a.m.: Kyle leaves for work. Reset alarm for 8:00 a.m.

8:00 a.m.: Hit snooze.

8:15 a.m.: Wake up, for real. Scroll through Instagram and Bloglovin'. Fight urge to watch The Magic School Bus on Netflix.  

8:45 a.m.: Get out of bed, for real. Swear to get up earlier tomorrow. Really.

8:47 a.m.: Wake up Henson. Make bed. Put on running clothes. Debate going back to bed.

9:03 a.m.: Take Henson for a walk around the block. Vow to start writing my personal statement for my grad school application today. 

9:22 a.m.: Put on "Super Bass." Start running. Boom badoom boom. 

9:35 a.m.: Mentally congratulate myself for being less out of breath than usual. Run harder because BOOM BADOOM BOOM. 

9:54 a.m.: Return from run. Take "Super Bass" off repeat. Swear to run faster/longer/"Super Bass"-less tomorrow.

10:02 a.m.: Lift weights and do sit-ups. Pretend that I held a plank for longer than 30 20 15 seconds. 

10:26 a.m.: Turn on the coffee. Take a shower. Hum "Super Bass." Silently curse Nicki Minaj and her catchy tune.

10:51 a.m.: Pour myself a cup of coffee. Turn on computer. Open blank Word document and start personal statement.

10:52 a.m.: Stare at blank Word document. Type a few words.

11:09 a.m.: Start job searching. Apply to appropriate jobs. Occasionally scroll through Instagram. Wonder why people post pictures of what they're eating for lunch. Wonder why I care. 

12:27 p.m.: Eat an apple for lunch. Don't Instagram it.

12:32 p.m.: Fight the urge to turn on an episode of Cheers.

12:33 p.m.: Turn on Cheers. Refuse to admit to myself how much I'm totally into this whole Sam and Diane thing.

12:34 p.m.: Admit to myself how much I'm totally into this whole Sam and Diane thing! 

12:59 p.m.: Turn off Cheers. Consider that maybe my true calling is opening a bar in Boston. 

1:03 p.m.: Decide that I couldn't move to Boston because I don't want to feel pressure to be a Red Sox fan. See also, no bartending experience.

1:05 p.m.: Go back to searching for legitimate jobs. Apply for a few more. Wonder if Murphy Brown is still hiring secretaries.

1:06 p.m.: Contemplate why everything in my life goes back to an '80s/'90s television reference. Yada, yada, yada. Decide it's probably best to not analyze it too much. (DAMN IT.)

1:09 p.m.: Draw a total blank for personal statement. Type a few more words. Wonder why talking about myself is so difficult when I do it all the time in real life. Wonder if I'm too narcissistic. 

1:24 p.m.: Tell Henson he needs a haircut.

1:25 p.m.: Make the very adult decision to close out of all things Internet and not return until personal statement is complete.

1:32 p.m.: Go online, because duh.

1:40 p.m.: Type a few more words on personal statement.

2:04 p.m.: Take a selfie with this Muppet. (He's not amused.) Resist urge to Instagram. Wonder why I look 14 in said selfie.

2:10 p.m.: Really buckle down and get to work on personal statement. Inspiration! 

2:43 p.m.: Realize that I'm a flibbertigibbet. Consider eschewing the whole grad school thing and wonder if Grand Rapids is in the market for a professional hot air balloon service. 

2:44 p.m.: Remember that I don't know how to fly hot air balloons. Decide that maybe grad school is the best option after all. Return to personal statement.

3:52 p.m.: Write and finish personal statement. That wasn't so bad!

3:55 p.m.: Actually read personal statement. Realize that I sound like a crazy person. Consider scrapping the whole thing and talking about my experience conquering alcoholism at Betty Ford. Remember that was the plot of the Murphy Brown pilot and that it didn't actually happen to me. 

4:17 p.m.: Send personal statement to a friend for editing suggestions. Try not to panic. Decide that painting my nails is mission critical.

4:23 p.m.: Paint nails.

4:33 p.m.: Chip nails.

4:34 p.m.: Paint nails.

4:44 p.m.: Chip nails.

4:45 p.m.: Give up on nails and go wash dishes. 

4:47 p.m.: Wash dishes and listen to "Super Bass." Boom badoom boom.

5:00 p.m.: Wonder what I should fix for dinner. Fight urge to get take-out sushi. 

5:05 p.m.: Stare at contents of cupboards. Continue to fight sushi craving.

5:08 p.m.: Decide on pasta, because I guess. Continue to fantasize about sushi.

5:09 p.m.: Realize it's too early to fix dinner. Watch Cheers.

5:19 p.m.: Revisit the idea of opening a bar in Boston. 

5:20 p.m.: Remember that I'd already decided against that. 

5:34 p.m.: Call my mom. Ask her if she would be interested in moving to Boston and opening a bar with me. 

5:58 p.m.: After a lengthy discussion, decide that my mom is right and bars in Boston are overdone. Determine that my true calling is as Murphy Brown's secretary.

6:04 p.m.: Start dinner. Boil water for noodles. Make sauce. Consider opening an Italian restaurant?

6:25 p.m.: Kyle is home! Human contact! 

6:31 p.m.: Discuss with Kyle my plethora of career plans over our spaghetti. 

6:42 p.m.: Mutually decide that applying for jobs outside of the '80s/'90s sitcom universe might be in my best interest. 

7:16 p.m.: Settle in for an evening of playing Speed and trying to convince Kyle to watch Cheers. 

11:04 p.m.: Go to bed. Take a deep breath. Be grateful for the time and freedom to explore my passions and determine what I really want to do with my life. Vow to never take this journey of discovery and growth for granted. Take a deep breath. Close my eyes. Lay my head on Kyle's chest. Find peace. 

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3:36 a.m.: Wake up. Write "open bar in Boston" in dream journal. Go back to sleep. DAMN. IT.