Life Lessons from Jurassic Park

It's no secret around here that I'm a huge fan of Jurassic Park. For so many reasons. 

But mostly this one.
(source)

But I'm not here to talk about how much I love to hate Dennis Nedry or Dr. Malcom's sex appeal or how much that scene in the kitchen still scares the shit out of me. (Although I could talk about all of those things. A LOT.) I want to talk about how Jurassic Park reminds me to persevere in the face of adversity. (And not just the dinosaur kind.)

Allow me to set the scene: 

Shortly after the T-Rex eats the lawyer off the toilet and then proceeds to make a mess of pretty much everything, Dr. Grant rescues Timmy from the Jeep that was flung into the tree by the T-Rex. They quickly climb down only to find themselves trapped in the Jeep again after it plummets on top of them. 

Because of course it does.

It's fiiiiine.
(source)

After the dust has settled, the two have this little exchange.

Timmy: "We're back in the car again."

Dr. Grant: "But at least we're out of the tree."

So often I feel like I'm back in the car again. To put it simply, this winter has been difficult. Adjusting to balancing grad school classes with work and rehearsals and life in general have left me struggling to maintain my composure. The depression and anxiety that I worked so hard to overcome this summer came creeping in, and I felt like a failure in all aspects of my life. I was angry and frustrated with myself for failing, for losing control. I was back in the car. Again.

But in the midst of this trying season, there have been moments of clarity, of purpose, of resolve. Though entirely overwhelmed, it is all with things I love. I love my program, my job, my community, my friends, my family. I'm no longer stuck in a dead end career, without passion or purpose. I know my place, where I belong. It's difficult, it's a mess, it's hard work, but this life is beautiful, and it finds a way.  

At least I'm out of the tree. 

Live fiercely, friends.

(Belated) February Favorites

Abbreviated favorites for an abbreviated month. Here's to spring!

1) Of Monsters and Men.

I was first introduced to this band through The Secret Life of Walter Mitty soundtrack and quickly became obsessed. It's difficult to narrow down a favorite song, but these lyrics from "Mountain Sound" really speak to me:

I heard them calling in the distance

So I packed my things and ran

Far away from all the trouble 

I had caused with my two hands

2) Jimmy Fallon and The Muppets sing "The Weight."

This might possibly be the best thing that has ever happened in the history of  everything ever. Or at the very least, in Muppet/Fallon collaborations. This song is so meaningful to me, and to see my favorite Muppet friends sing it moves me nearly to tears. What can I say? The Muppets make me feel feelings.

3) These guys.

Vic, Morgan, & Mo
//Feb2014

With a little wine and a lot of love, these beautiful women always carry me through, even on the grayest of days. 

Peaks & Valleys

Sitka, AK
//Jul2013

I'll be honest: it's been a rough few weeks. Grad school stress, hormones, and a dash of seasonal (PUNS!) depression  have combined forces to make me a sad, messy mess as of late. And it sucks. 

I've finally come to accept that my battle with depression, anxiety, and panic will be ongoing. There will be peaks, and there will be valleys. I'm learning to cope with this, even thrive despite it. But the fight is still difficult. For too long, mental illness has been so stigmatized. I want to be open about this struggle, because I know that I'm not alone. 

I've learned how to detect my personal symptoms of depression: withdrawing from loved ones, exhaustion, excessive dwelling on negative feelings, not wanting to get out of bed, feeling gray. I can identify the symptoms. Finding the strength to get out of bed and cope in a healthy way, rather than just crawling under the covers and eating another bowl of cereal, is another matter. 

I'm making every effort at healthy means of self-care. Often, I equate "self-care" with "shutting off my brain." This means that I often look at watching hours of Netflix and eating graham crackers with frosting as taking care of myself. (Spoiler alert: It's not.) Today after work, I forced myself to not just go home and crawl into bed. I went to the gym and ran a few miles. I practiced my violin in preparation for an event I'm playing in later this week. I read a few pages of my book. And for the first time in a couple of weeks, I felt better. Not 100%, but better. 

Though this winter feels endless, life feels overwhelming, and there are days where I just want to flee to the mountains, deep down I know there is hope. Though I may currently find myself in a proverbial valley, it's a valley filled with love and light, despite the clouds. I know the light will shine brighter once again. So until then, I will continue remind myself there are mountains on my horizon. 

My Mind Drifts Like the Snow

Lake Michigan, supposedly.
Feb2014

My favorite line from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, wasn't spoken but rather shown as written words onscreen. Walter writes in his journal, "my mind drifts like the snow." Those words so perfectly encapsulate the feelings of this season, both literally and figuratively. 

Some mornings I awake feeling as though I could conquer the world. I'm productive, check things off of my neverending to-do list, and I feel hopeful for what life holds. Other mornings, I wish that I could just hibernate with bottomless mugs of coffee and mountains of books. Sometimes, I just wish that I had a river to skate away on. (Thanks, Joni.)

Somehow, all of the things that make up my life get done: work, school, orchestra and quartet rehearsals, runs, meetings, maintaining relationships, the various minutia that is making dirty laundry clean and empty refrigerators full. If I think too deeply about all that needs to be accomplished, I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, it's best not to dwell and to just keep moving. Always moving. 

Some days I just feel homesick, missing something that I can't quite identify. Longing for sunshine filtering through tree leaves and fields of weeds and wildflowers and creaky floorboards and waves and sun tea. Sometimes the tears fall without reason or prompt, and sometimes it hurts to breathe.  

Today, I'm feeling nostalgic for the past and daydreaming about the future while still trying to keep myself firmly grounded in the present. But still, my mind drifts like the snow. 

Happy Birthday, Mom!

(source)

For conspiring with me in my many harebrained schemes, instilling in me a love of conspiracy theories and Gilligan's Island, and for giving me the confidence to follow my passions, I am forever grateful. When I was 14 you told me, "Drop everything and do what's important to you." Although it's a lesson that's taken me over a decade to learn (a lesson that I'm learning still), those words continue to resonate along with your strength that I carry with me always.

Today and always, Mom, do what's important to you. Because you deserve it. 

Love, Baby Girl

January Favorites

Polar vortex-ing on Paris.
Jan14

Here's what I'm loving this month!

1) The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

I am obsessed with everything about this movie. It's beautifully filmed, has an emotionally engaging and exciting story, and its soundtrack makes even doing homework feel like an adventure. If it's still in a theatre near you, I highly recommend checking it out. (Although be warned that it's not the Zoolander sequel you've been wanting since you were 13. Just me?) If you can't catch the movie, check out the soundtrack on Spotify. (The song "Dirty Paws" is my favorite.) You won't be disappointed. Seriously. 

2) Where'd You Go Bernadette?

I've been doing pretty well thus far balancing pleasure reading with my grad school responsibilities. (I'm enjoying it while it lasts.) Where'd You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple is one of the best books I've read in months. Bernadette Fox, an eccentric-genius-architect disappears seemingly without a trace, and her 15-year-old daughter Bee takes it upon herself to piece together her mother's correspondences to find her. Lighthearted and witty, Bernadette is an absolutely wonderful and enjoyable read. (And this quote sums up my feelings exactly: "I miss it, the mountains and the water." Indeed.)

3) Clothing Swaps and Game Nights.

Every few months or so each of these things happen within my group of friends. And both are awesome. Clothing Swaps involve cleaning out your closets and getting to wear your friends' stylish hand-me-downs. And mimosas. Game Nights involve board games and dark humor. And mimosas. Win!

4) Plaid, plaid, and more plaid.

With the chilly temperatures and my tendency to assimilate into my hipster surroundings, plaid is the only thing I want to wear. And it's becoming a real problem. I need a plaid-tervention. 

5) Frasier

And of course this list wouldn't be complete without an outdated pop culture reference. The pretentious snark that is the Crane brothers never fails to make me laugh out loud and make me want to drink sherry. (What the hell is sherry, for that matter?) Thank goodness for Netflix its ability to provide a little comfort food TV on these blustery winter nights. 

Stay warm out there, friends!

Assignments Gone Wrong

This week, I had to record a video introducing myself to my Information Technology class. I spent Friday night recording practice runs. I think it's safe to call this particular run an outtake:

At least we know how to keep things interesting?

Happy weekending, friends.